COVERT COMPOSITIONS

There is a kids Sunday School Song that says “input, output, what goes in is what comes out”.  While we were referring spiritually, I have had it on my mind for a long time now in relation to weightloss.  Kind of like the “moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips” quote.  

I have also been realizing how much my appearance (weight) is a reflection of my internal state.  While I have a lot of internal turmoil – emotional & spiritual – I never associated my weight with my internal struggle.  I looked at it more as a victim of my circumstances…depression, meds, job loss, abusive boss, home loss, bankruptcy, etc.  

My NSV is the realization that my weight gain was me basically stepping back & away from my life…like when you throw your hands up.   The best and shortest way I can describe it is that about 6 years ago it was like a hurricane went through my life and took everything from me – my health, my church, my job, my finances, my car, my friends, basically everything ripped out from underneath me.  My life was out of control and there was nothing I could do to stop any of it, control any of it, change any of it or do anything to make any part of my situation any better.  

Instead of thriving through adversity, I was merely trying to survive.  I hadn’t had a chance to catch my breath and think through or deal or recover from the shock of one thing before the next thing happened.  The only way I can think to describe it right now is I went numb emotionally.  

So much happened and for such a long period that I hit a severe depression full of sadness, loss, fear, etc.  Eventually I “removed myself” emotionally from those emotions as I didn’t have the emotional strength to live that way anymore.  I couldn’t function that way.  I am single and have only myself to rely on.  I had no husband’s income to fall back on & lie in my bed all day.  My state does not provide financial assistance to singles even though we are tax payers (don’t get me started there :).  I had to pull myself together enough to hold a job so I could have a place to live & a car & pay my bills.  

 To protect myself emotionally, I also had to leave my church and my church friends.  They were only judgemental and blamed me for not trusting and obeying God enough or I wouldn’t be depressed in the first place.  (I know this is a touchy subject in the Christian world, but for me it was hurting not helping, and I was trying to do anything to keep myself from crossing the line from depression to suicide.  I knew I was too close to that line.) 

My new job I worked for 4 years under a verbally & emotionally abusive female boss.  It was during the time that the ecomony tanked & no one had jobs.  I stuck it out, but it wasn’t until I left that I realized the emotional toll that took on my self-esteem and self-confidence.  Even my former co-workers from there can see it.  But I have always been and still am proud to say that no matter how my boss treated me, I never mistreated those under me. 

 So the last 6 years I basically turned into a hermit.  It was taking all my energy emotionally just to hold a job and deal with people as little as I was.  It also became safe.  Not filling my life back up left less to lose again.  I would work, go home & watch tv and do the same thing every day.  

I started this weightloss journey because I wanted more for my life.  I wanted to have the energy to have the career I want, the possibility of love in my life and many other things.  I wanted to stop wasting my life and start actually living my life.  I am tired of being lonely and not having anyone or anything to do.  I am getting closer & closer to 40 and have not accomplished any of my hopes or dreams.  

I know that if before 35 I have gone through more than most people have before they die, I should be able to realize just how strong of a person I am, but I think I’ve felt a weaker person than a stronger person after it all.  I’m ready to move on emotionally, spiritually and physically.  Not sure how or what path that will take, but I’m realizing that it is time my journey becomes more than just weightloss.  

 So for my title…I may have been beaten down, worn down, run down, broken down…I’m down but not out!