I am a typical first born child. If you are familiary with the Kiersey Tempermant Sorter (a detailed version of the DISC profiles), I am what they call a Mastermind. I tell you this not to brag, but so you can understand from where I’m coming.
I am a typical first born child. If you are familiary with the Kiersey Tempermant Sorter (a detailed version of the DISC profiles), I am what they call a Mastermind. I tell you this not to brag, but so you can understand from where I’m coming.
I realized a direct correlation to how I have been feeling about myself and my job and how I have been feeling and doing in my weightloss goals. I have also realized that my frustration with my job was actually much more frustration with myself. I am highly intelligent and have plenty of experience and knowledge in my industry that there is no reason I should be struggling at all or confused. While I recognize that I am a temp that walked in with no training and have been figuring it out myself, it has seemed like I am totalling missing that one piece of the puzzle that makes everything fit…and that never happens to me…I can always figure it out. So my frustration with my job was actually a frustration with myself. And I don’t give up. So just keep pushing myself harder & harder…trying and trying…I put a lot of pressure on myself.
That struggle wears me down mentally and emotionally. While I hadn’t actually given it thought, I don’t really look forward to going to work each day. Then add to that they at work, they also think I’m struggling and moved me to different accounts for a 2nd time, just adds to the pressure. Also, they have these reviews called Quality Assurance. You find out if you have been doing something right or wrong in these. They grade you with either yes you did it right or no you didn’t…no partial credit for doing 10 of 11 things right on that account. A normal employee has one within the first 30 days of their hire and then on a consistent basis after that…and they would have went through new hire training. I worked 5 months without any training and then they gave me a QA. I got 70-some % on it. I was horrified. I was told that was better than anyone else on their first try who usually only get 40-some % on it.
But this perfectionist could not find comfort in that. They were moving me to work different accounts despite that, and I was still confused, is probably the best word. Then the current set of accounts I’m working have been the hardest yet. The contracts are very complicated & slowing me down as I learn them, which is not where I need to be because they want me to be working more accounts. So when I leave for the day instead of being proud of everything I’ve accomplished, I’m frustrated that I’m not meeting their standards…and still feeling like there is some puzzle piece missing, and if I could just put my finger on it, it would all come together.
The most recent change in accounts has also meant a change in supervisor and co-workers. The blessing in this is this group of employees are much more friendly and welcoming. They have made effort to get to know me as a person and to help me out with any questions I have. As I’m working my accounts and asking questions these last couple of weeks, slowing things are starting to make sense. This week, and particularly today, some more things have come together, and I finally feel like one of these days, the “confusion” and frustration I’ve been feeling might actually come to an end…just hopefully soon enough 🙂
I briefly wondered why I didn’t realize the connection sooner. How what I was feeling found its way into every moment of my life. However, one thing I have already realized about myself is that we didn’t grow up with learning how to deal with our feelings. Everything was just shoved under the rug. You get mad at each other, everything blows up, everyone goes their own way and life goes on…with building resentment each time. And something that might seem odd to you (I grew up in a strictly religious home in the Bible-belt), we grew up with the idea that if you had negative feelings – like sad, mad, etc., then you weren’t a good Christian & shouldn’t be feeling that way. So I grew up internalizing everything with building anger & resentment which just made me feel guilty and mad at myself, because that meant I wasn’t being a good enough Christian. Part of what I was hoping to be part of my weightloss journey was to learn how to be kinder to myself and learn to better like/love myself.
So anyways, after that long explanation, I would say this was one unexpected step in learning more about myself. I was going to come home & sit down on my bed & not get up until I had figured out something to make sure I was sucessful for once next week…or fall asleep…whichever came first 🙂
Now that I’ve threshed this out & shed some tears, I am going to sleep on it and when wake up fresh tomorrow (if not woken up by the neighbor cats at 4am again), I will re-evaluate my game plan for next week. I have a headache now anyway 🙂
COVERT COMPOSITIONS 
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